We need to ask for more tough love

Why we should be seeking roasts over compliments

In the name of research, I recently hopped on the trend of disclosing issues to Chat GPT and asking it for advice—because, apparently, everyone’s doing it now.

With people using Chat GPT as an alternative to therapy or as a sounding board when their friends have had enough of hearing them vent about the same thing over and over, I figured it only made sense to see what all the fuss is about (as someone who tends to beat the same topic into the ground).

Really, it’s been more of an experiment than anything. I wanted to see the types of suggestions Chat would offer, and I wanted to see if I deemed it Good Advice—as someone who deems themself very good at giving advice.

Though I did stick to some ground rules (as one should consider when revealing personal anecdotes to a robot and asking it for guidance):

• It would not be my only outlet or form of advice.

• I would never use its suggested responses verbatim. I will always respond to people, in personal conversations, in my own words and with my own thoughts.

• I would not ask it for advice on something until I already made up my mind about what I was doing.

I noticed, pretty quickly, a common theme with Chat’s responses to my problems: they were very supportive. Unconditionally so.

All of my responses were the perfect response. Everything I’m feeling is so valid. I’ve handled myself extremely well. At one point Chat even told me it was really proud of me.

And there are few things I enjoy more than validation. So you could see how this could get addictive.

But I’m not the only one who’s noticed that Chat GPT is a little too flattering lately. And it leads me to ask a bigger question: is our constant search for validation inhibiting our personal growth?

The gift of brutal honesty

I consider myself someone who gives great advice. But as part of that, I identify as the honest friend.

Most people in my circle know: don’t come to me if you’re looking for unwavering support. Do come to me if you want my candid thoughts on your situation.

Sometimes, that just means letting you know I think you could pick a better outfit. Others, it means flat-out disagreeing with you and challenging you to think about things differently.

Of course, I always try to deliver my advice in a way that’s palatable. But I’m not always going to validate you or tell you you’re right.

The value of this is that you always know you’re getting the truth—or at least my truth. You might not always like what you hear, but my advice is intended to be genuinely useful, to help you navigate a situation and decide on your next move.

But it’s up to us to seek out well-rounded advice. And I think we need to ask for more tough love.

The value of a good roast

A friend of mine was recently participating in a Chat GPT therapy session.

First, she was receiving the typical analysis of her situation, disclosing her perspective and asking for feedback that was likely very agreeable to her point of view.

And then she did something that I’d classify as brilliant: she asked Chat to roast her over the situation. And as always, it delivered.

This is where she really started to think about things differently. She began to actually question herself and whether she was going about things the right way.

I can’t explain the science of it, but I’ve found that often, brutally honest advice is the most effective advice. Maybe it’s because it challenges our egos. Maybe it’s because it cuts through the fluff and removes the sugarcoating.

But I think sometimes we just need to hear the harsh truth—especially when we’re stuck in self pity or denial.

Opening yourself up to tough love

I recently learned that there's a time and place for every kind of advice. It has to meet you where you’re at.

You need someone to empathize with you. Someone to chastise the person you’re upset with. Someone to offer condolences. Someone to take your side. Someone to propose retribution. Someone to show you the bright side. Someone to tell you what you want to hear. Someone to tell you how it actually is.

Sometimes you need a game plan. Sometimes you just need people to just listen and nod. And sometimes we aren’t in the right headspace to face reality—that we handled something poorly, that we overreacted, that we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, that we were wrong.

But I think it’s important that, eventually, we do.

We have to be ready for tough love. And it’s up to get ourselves to a place where we’re able to hear it.

I love validation as much as the next girl, if not more. But we have to realize when it’s no longer serving us—when we need to be challenged instead of reassured. When we need brutal honesty.

If we can’t be receptive to hearing something that’s going to push us to make the best decision we can rather than the one that’s comfortable—or to adopt a healthier, more grounded mindset—how can we ever expect to be better? How can we ever expect to grow?

The question isn’t whether or not we should be going to Chat GPT for advice—as much as it’s not about dissuading you from talking to a therapist, or venting a friend, or even calling into a podcast to propose the problem on a live AMA.

Because all of these things can feed our delusions in a way that’s not productive.

It’s about collecting different perspectives, and being honest with yourself about whether agreement and unconditional support is serving you. And maybe, instead of letting Chat validate everything you say, asking it to roast you instead.